A message from The Queen to the citizens of
the United States of America from Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to
nominate competent candidates for President
of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (except
Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will
appoint a Governor for America without the
need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown
dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the
Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing
it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words
such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally,
you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. (look up
Vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as
'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. There is
no such thing as US English. We will let
M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take into
account the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a
holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues
without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.
The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not quite ready
to be independent. Guns should only be used
for shooting grouse. If you can't sort
things out without suing someone or speaking
to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot
grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed
to own or carry anything more dangerous than
a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will
be required if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts, and you will start driving on
the left side with immediate effect. At the
same time, you will go metric with immediate
effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help
you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on
petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)
of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those
things you call French fries are not real
chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real
chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup, (which you call
ketchup) but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on
calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as beer, and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. South African beer is
also acceptable as they are pound for pound
the greatest sporting nation on earth and it
can only be due to the beer. They are also
part of the British Commonwealth - see what
it did for them. American brands will be
referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so
that all can be sold without risk of further
confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally
to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast
English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was
an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football.
There is only one kind of proper football;
you call it soccer. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twentyseconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch
of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South
Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they
regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball.
It is not reasonable to host an event called
the World Series for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of
you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You
will learn cricket, and we will let you face
the South Africans first to take the sting
out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's
been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax
collector) from Her Majesty's Government will
be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition
of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm
with proper cups, with saucers, and never
mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies)
and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)
when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Go ahead and share this with your friends
in the USA (but only those with a good sense
of humour and NOT humor.)
Sini, don't let this thread die. I'm sure
that when our American cousins crawl out of
their pits, you'll get a few more responses;
perhaps even some clever ones
'turning-the-tables'.
Now if you were really clever, you could make
it part of the Queen's speech on Christmas
Day.
That should do a lot for the Anglo-American
'special relationship'.
doug hun, whether this thread dies or not, is
really up tae the ones posting in it. mind
you, it is a long posting at the beginning
which can be offputting.
as fer our american cousins, i am bound te
think they will see the humour in it. after
all it was sent tae me by an american.
should the queen herself actually benefit
from this in her speach is anyone's guess.
but i'd bet it'd set the whole o' the uk
fallin' aff their seats.
the only american who would take offense
would probably be the witless president bush
wait till rep gets in - he'll be in an' uit
of it, i'm sure
The best thing I've read both humourous and
serious since I joined last month -
brilliant! But....God! Save the Queen?...from
having to bring her Q's speech down to their
level of understanding! (sponsored by
MacDonalds)!
I assume that will mean a proper distribution
of wealth and full restoration of
aristocracy. And lengthy prison sentances for
all self serving greed mongers fallowed by
public hanging!
but the real joke is getting the racist
american cousins together with their racist
british cousins and cut out the ignorance and
overthrow the power structure and unite with
people of all colours and backgrounds and end
the remaining nonsense that plagues the
world.
I'm American and all I can say is You Go Your
Majesty! Can this take effect soon? I get
small comfort in knowing I didn't vote for
him and neither did the majority of the
country.
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