sparkle_dust1990
Status: Moderator Date:
2008-10-02
Time: 12:05:58
Edited by:sparkle_dust1990
This is the beginning of a short story I
started. Please tell me what you think, and
maybe what I could improve about it. Thanks
She looked at him with eyes wide, not able to
make out the expression on his face. His eyes
were masked with a dreary veil she had never
encountered before, a heavy shroud that would
not let her prying senses pass.
Slowly, he tilted his head away, so that
his face was no longer within her sight. On
this cold and silent night she felt his body
shudder, as if the realization she had felt
long ago had just hit him.
“I’m sorry.” She whispered as she slowly
lifted herself from the soft rug they had
once been so intimate on. His reply was a
deep moan, one that made a shudder run down
her own spine. How could she be so
heartless?
Slowly she made her way through the
darkness, unable to look back for the fear
that he may be watching. The door opened with
a slight creak, inviting her out into the
dark and chilly evening.
How cruel life could be, forcing her to
make such a heart-wrenching decision. She
embraced the chill that nipped at her skin as
redemption for the pain she had forced him to
bear. She felt the strength of the moon’s
rays on her back, casting the air with an
eerie gloom she couldn’t help but fear. Her
mother had always told her never to walk
alone in this area, but what else could she
do? She could hardly turn back now.
Her pace quickened, driven by her fear of
being alone on such a gloomy night. Regret
filled her as she wondered why she hadn’t
stayed with him for longer.The back of her
neck tingled as she sensed someone behind
her. Without even the slightest hesitation,
she began to run. Fast and loud, her steps
echoed along the pathway, but all she could
hear was the tremendous beating of her own
heart.
lol dont give up the day job xxxxxxxxxxxsorry
x but its a bit emmm wots the word ok it
doesnt catch the attention of the reader to
stay intrested long enough ..........ooooops
sorry but u asked x
sparkle_dust1990
Status: Moderator Date:
2008-10-02
Time: 12:34:02
Yeah it's cool, everyone has an opinion, and
well, if this story isn't a success, I could
always try writing another one, then I can be
a millionaire, yey!
Denny is talking about me.
The big ol dogfox,
Here is an excerpt from one i've been
working on
As the fire burns
by
M.J.Todd
IT was a cold night as the young man huddled
round the old tin
water butt it had been long time since it
held water now it
only held fire and it had been dragged by the
young man into
the old
abandoned warehouse he hope he had enough
wood to keep the
fire burning till morning.
Gods he thought to himself it had only been
two years since,
the world he new had crashed around his
ears.
the screams the blood.
NO mustn't think about it,
just concentrate on keep that fire lit.
you'll have all the time in the morning to
remember
but tonight keep the fire lit and keep going
thats all i must think about.
THEN it hit the pain like no other arghhhh no
it can't be I've
fed already i hunted last full MOON ate my
fill
then a voice spoke it said hush my love let
the transformation
happen a tear feel it can't they killed her
but i just heard
voice argggggghhhhhhhhhhhh gods the pain must
fight it the
voice spoke again no my love embrace the
transformation it's
the only way to avenge me
a cry of despair and rage and loneliness
ripped from his
throat the warehouse filled with pure white
light
and a voice spoke i am CIRCE and you are to
be chosen as the
sword AND shield you will find all the
survivors and protect
them.
i thought of that.
but then decided i wanted it to have the,
feel of a story being told by narrator.
in the future about Heroic men & women
who helped shape the world that the
story teller lives in.
hows it going sparkle ??????????? im doing a
short story too at mo . was expecting a
update of urs but u aint posted it. im hoping
to send mine off soon , good luck x
sparkle_dust1990
Status: Moderator Date:
2008-11-18
Time: 09:44:55
I'm afraid I'm a bit stuck on my story, I
need some inspiration!
I've only added this bit to the above:
"Suddenly, she tripped. With force, she hit
the ground, landing hard on her right arm and
unable to get up. She lifted her head slowly;
feeling her veins pulsing at her temples, but
strangely, found that there was no sign of
anyone around. Had she imagined it all?
Carefully, she sat up, gripping her right
arm. She believed it might be broken. With
difficulty, she lifted herself off the
ground, feeling her whole body ache from the
fall. What should she do now? Should she turn
back to Raymond’s? Glancing down the path, a
terrifying realisation hit her even harder
than she had hit the ground.
She was lost."
Was she really at Raymonds? Or was it a dream
to cover the real chill pulsing through her
veins, because she was actually lost...or had
her mind emptied to forget something more
sinister....but she couldn't remember, or
wouldn't want to remember, what it is that
has scared her?
Seriously, go back to whatever made you start
the story, then you'll probably find the
ending, or at least the heart of the idea.
I've always fancied writing a novel or some
short stories, but have neither the patience
or the time to do so....so I'll stick with my
rhymes (I've really only been composing them
since I've been on here - amazing what you
can find within yourself!!!) - keep at it -
if you really want it to develop, it will...
- Forums
- Forums